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Love makes a family #adoption



 

I’ve been wanting to write our story since it began but, honestly have idea how... where does it really begin? How do I put into words something sooo complex with all the feels involved? I’m still not sure so I’m just going to do what I do best and start rambling 😁


Tony and I got married in 2011. I started wanting a baby in 2012 😅 Tony got me a puppy. The neediest, most difficult puppy.

I adored him and he distracted me for a long while... by 2016 we were both ready to start toward building our family— God had other plans and has spent the last four years stretching our faith and challenging us as a couple... all of which I will eventually write a post about but for now let’s focus on just how it ties into the story I do want to tell.


 

Picture this: April 2020 We're all quarantined. Living our lives online. I see a dear friend posting her infertility story- so beautiful and honest about struggles to get pregnant and stay pregnant and all the emotions as life keeps going on despite whatever we're going through. I love and respect this friend so

-- I'm compelled to share my own story. At least a part of it. I kinda zoned in on the things people say that are accidentally hurtful when they actually probably just feel uncomfortable or bad for you and want to say something to help- let me tell ya, most the time there is no right thing to say. Just be with people in their hurt. Sorry about that blog within a blog... I'll probably have more to say on that later but, moving on now. I feel like God had been working on me to humble myself and I, of course, had been resisting. Not on purpose. It's just in my nature. I had been purposefully not mentioning infertility for quite sometime... even through the super hurtful fake pregnancy announcements of April fools. I didn't want the sympathy or stories of how some friend had tried everything, then got pregnant on accident or *THE WORST* I certainly didn't want told to relax... Honestly, I was just tired of bringing up what felt like my failures. My greatest aspiration in life was to be a mother and I felt certain I'd be a great one but I had let my disappointment sour me. I was not being the wife or friend I could be because of my self pity. So, I hid behind sarcasm and pictures of my pets... in hindsight that's probably why I guilted other people in my post (Dang blogging making me do self reflection.) Misery loves company, ya know. I didn't want to write another post I’d cry or shake through writing then nervously check the notifications.

So, I played it safe and pointed out other people's shortcomings sprinkled with vulnerability then trying to end it positive (Nice try, me)

Maybe I didn't eloquently pour my heart out on the FB post but God used it anyways!


Just when you’ve nearly given up - a miracle happens!


A sweet, pregnant mama sees the post and reaches out anddd the rest is history!


 

hahahahaha jk jk jk

I'll keep telling the story but want to respect her privacy so gonna move pretty quickly through this part. I'll sell the rights to Hallmark and you can just watch the movie someday lol

We meet and discuss and thennnn I panic a little. A baby! I could actually be a mother! Oh no, I should've had Tony with me when I learned our lives could completely change! How do I tell him?! (In case you're wondering why I wouldn't be all "omg, he's going to be soo excited! yay! This is an easy yes" It's because the man is a skeptical pessimistic worrier. 😬😅 I agonize then, we talk. He has to think and crunch numbers and digest - I cry and pray and listen to worship music A LOT waiting for him to decide before he finally tells me he wants to go for it! 😱💙


Googling mostly gave us information about agencies which we didn’t need but they were very sweet and helpful pointing us in the direction we did need to go- a lawyer that would walk us through the process and cover all legal bases. We found a GREAT one. Fun factoid: family law lawyers generally handle divorces so adoptions are a nice break from that negativity. We were able to start the process nearly right away. Precious bio mom shared ultrasound photos and let me go to appointments. Such a blessing! We had a bunch of what I'd call clerical paperwork (like proving we are who we say we are, where we work, what we make, etc), references, a health physical and a home study- I'm sure I'm leaving things out but you get the idea. The biological parents had the harder job of reading very legal, very heartless sounding documents. Not gonna lie- there was a time we thought we might not get to be parents and y'all, I was not okay. I was immobilized by grief at the mere thought of being without a child I hadn't officially met but already loved.❣️ Tony, my provider and protector, wasn't going to leave me in my despair. We were able to talk with the parents and reassure them that we're not going to take him and run. I have no desire to cut out a piece of his identity. I think it's important to know as much about oneself as possible so I will not deny my son that opportunity. [Rant over. Back to the story] That conversation relieved so much anxiety for all parties involved and it was relatively smooth sailing from then until birth. {Birth story is separate blog. Yay anticipation}






Ever heard of a thing called "paper pregnant" *see top left picture

That little envelope held the important documents that gave us rights and granted us custody to our sweet baby Silas. Born less than 2 weeks after that photo was taken!


We brought him home. That's when all the feelings started: feelings of fear and doubt.

Would I actually be a good mom? A worthy mom? Would he love me? Or hate me? Would he feel loved and cared for? Or like we took him away? Soo many fears. In all this worry, when I was physically exhausted I was also being mentally and emotionally attacked. Satan was still able to use my pride and self pity during what should have been the most glorious time. Nearly a constant replay of fears, doubts, insecurities, disappointments, you name it- if it hurts you and threatens your joy- then I felt it. “I may finally be a mom now but I’ve still never been pregnant so only like kind of a mom...” yes, seriously... even ridiculous things such as that 🤦🏼‍♀️ I cried all the time. All the time. Sometimes happy- just holding him, singing to him. Start happy crying then BAM “too bad he’ll never love you” 😣

Admitting this now is both therapeutic and embarrassing. Yall, I’m here to remind you the importance of a diligent prayer life. You’ve got to be prepared for all things! I had prayed for Silas and Tony and us as a family and a blanket prayer for me to be a good mom. But, I forgot to guard my heart! I didn’t ask God to protect my mind and strengthen me for this task. My mind is where Satan attacked. Even sharing our happy news on social media became a bittersweet thing. Soooo sweet reading words of encouragement and joy in finding out how many people had been praying for us for years- some even without us knowing!💞- soo much joy being shared with soo many wonderful, loving people. Before long I‘d start being worried about disappointing those people by being anything less than 100% happy or an absolutely perfect mom. I know, in my rational mind, that no one expects perfection and plenty of people would actually understand and even share in experiencing fear as new mothers... but, I wasn’t being rational. I was tired- in all the ways you can be tired. I needed Jesus to pull me out. And, I believe he did. I don’t remember an exact moment but there came a time when my heart was at peace ♥️ Silas with me just felt right and I no longer shied away when people called me mom💙 I am his mama and he is my boy💙


I’m ashamed of the grip I let the devil have on me but I am glorifying God for pulling me out of it and restoring the light in my heart and for granting me the honor of being this boy’s mama 🥰 I know I won’t be perfect and neither will he but, we will do our best and we will do it as a family ♥️ COVID-19 really slowed down the process but we made it through and have officially added Silas Anthony Benjamin to the family just a day after he turned 4 months old💙💙💙




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